Monday, September 29, 2008

he asked ' was i too close for comfort?'

Sometimes things happen and then it really wakes you up. He didn't say those words literally but he meant it that way. He lives halfway across the world, his heart belongs to me and I never knew it. I yearn and look for friends and people whom i can love and rely when he was here all along. Now he's there and still I never saw how he who's halfway across the world made a bigger difference than anyone here.



We have the most sensitive converstions ,one I never pictured myself having with anyone because I know I would end up a mess. How is it that he's all the way there and he still knows it when im not happy by just talking to me through the computer? How is it that he thinks of me everyday and he knows the perfect time to talk to me about something before I explode.



He told me something I never realised. I thought i was over the phase I thought it was gone. I've gotten rid of those who brought me to that dark side. He made sense and it broke my heart because I know he loves me no matter how many times he's said it I know he means more.



I switch and i do it often and it's something I hate about myself. He was here nearer to me but I had to switch and I knew i was doing it. When i switch someone gets hurt and thats why i pushed him away. Someone ordinary would hate me for doing that but he still tells me he loves me, he still looks out for me from where he is.



Im not happy because of the shit people have done to me. He said that I needed help. find the source of my unhappiness and deal with it. I said I have and people do crazy things to me that i dont want to go there and think about it again because I go crazy.



No hopes and dont have them he tells me. How am I not to hope?

If i dont hope nothing will happen. I hoped that things would get better three years ago. In those years of hoping I moved on with life, I managed to go on. I hoped that my friendship with a friend would be better that it was something special I would carry in my life and share with my kids, in those years and time of hoping I moved on.

The friendship hope didn't happen and I've ended it. Its sad and upsetting but if i had'nt hoped then what would I have done then when everything was a mess? If i dont hope, how am i to trust and in return how am i to love?

I had hopes for many things, some worked and some didnt.How can I not hope at all?life would go nowhere. If i fell in love, you cant tell me that i dont have hopes for that person and rely on them. He tells me this because all my hopes on people they never mean well.

No they hardly do.But i cant do this by myself, what do you expect me to do. I have hopes for only the people i love. They've all let me down. All of them.

He knows I yearn for a good friend in life to getaway from all this, but every good friend i find the hopes are wasted. Im too tired and exhausted for trying to keep the friendship, tired of letting the friends walk over me tired of it, tired of thinking letting them walk over me is a sacrifice i would have to make to save the friendship. No more

Somethings i still have to hope for because if I dont I cannot go on. I dont know what will happen in the future. I cant determine the years to come and forsee them for im still too young. These hopes give me a reason to believe in someone, a friend or somebody and love them.

Im sorry i pushed him away and he's far away. Im telling him this I cannot do this, you even think im unstable and i know you want to help but what am i suppose to do?
I dont have luck in having good long loyal friends, and maybe its because of all the shit that has happened i've gone crazy and i scare them off.

Bottom line is i've never found a good long friend one which would confide and tell me things to my face and look at me for me and not judge me,but i have a long way more to go.

He says i pushed and i guess i did it cos im not stable.

You were'nt too close for comfort.I love you for thinking about me and for caring.I do.But im not a mess, I hve my reasons for being this way, if i was to tell you it would be too long. There's so many secrets beneath my eyes. Even the longest friendship i had with a friend, she doesn't knw half of me at all. after a few years things got shaky and i decided to keep the rest for just God and me. I guess i listened to you for that moment.

I switch because they've made my heart fragile. Nothing is easy i knw you say that, and i know that, yes I do. but shitty treatments toward me has become so normal its no suprise anymore but when i think about everything at night it breaks me.

Even if he came here right next to me what more can i say? wht could i say? I try my best to please people but most importantly God.

He has always said to be patient and so im being patient with everything and everyone. I let people push me, walk over me, take wht i want and take the people i love. Im just 17, is it so wrong and crazy that i turned out like this for trying to do what He told me to?

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